The time continues to go by and everyday I miss you! It is
so hard to not think about that moment when you passed and when the nurse said,
“I have to wait for the angels,” not knowing that at that moment you went to
heaven while those Blue Angels passed ahead.
As the years continue to go by and you continue to be a
missing part of my heart, I sometimes am at a loss of what to say.
This year it is harder than a few before, and I just don’t
know why! More importantly, I don’t want to think about why. Maybe it is because Dom is so settled this
year that I can feel the missing hole in my heart more than before. Maybe it is
because so many new babies were born this year and it reminds me of all my
babies. Maybe it is because I didn’t grieve enough in the beginning? Maybe it
is because Garrett and Dom are getting older and Zach is not. Maybe it is
because the sky is blue today. Or, maybe it is harder because….well maybe there
is no real reason.
The famous number 10 is my simple reminder that he is with
me. This year there have been so many 10’s that just pop up. Just this year
Garrett chose to wear the number 10 throughout his baseball team and hit two
home-runs wearing that number. Garrett caught a home-run ball at a Padres game
and the number of the player who hit it….YUP….#10. We got our boarding passes
three times this year and were in A10 or B10. We sat in rows on airplanes or at
ballparks and row #10 or seat #10 kept popping up. No, we didn’t choose those
on purpose, it was something we noticed afterwards. Some people might say that those are just
coincidences, but to me they are signs that Zach is still with me giving me
signs that he is here.
There are days were I have cried and cried this year and I
don’t want to cry, but I do. I’ve had so many dreams where Zach was hugging me
or tapping me and I wake up and he is gone. Those are the most painful moments,
when you wake up and realize, it is real, all of this is real. Those gut
wrenching moments where the loss is so fresh and painful again. Those are the
days where it hurts the most, and I had more this year than last, and they hurt
so bad, but they make me remember him even more.
I tell everyone to relax and enjoy their families and their
friends. I have realized that grief is difficult. That stupid grieving cycle
sucks, it is true, you go back and forth through the grieving cycle. Sometimes
I feel like I am “at the end” and something sends me back to anger or denial or
guilt! I have felt very resentful at times throughout the past six years, but
really during the last year. My
resentment is various, I am resentful that my boys have to cope with this loss
and I can’t do anything to make it better for them. That just breaks my heart.
I get resentful that we still pay medical bills (yes we had insurance) after
six year, and Adam and I work so much…and they are still not gone….NOT
FAIR! However, as I tell my own kids,
life isn’t fair and you have to suck it up and deal with it. I’ve found myself
resentful of people who get to celebrate with “all their families” or had an
“amazing mother’s day or father’s day” it just pulls at my heart. Sometimes I’m
just plain resentful that no one else has this pain, and I do. Selfish I know,
but reality!
Then after all that resentment, I breathe and realize that I
have to smile and enjoy the amazing life that I do have. My other two boys are
amazing and they are my world. My husband, who works so hard for us and
who hugs me and lets me cry when I need to just get it out. Without Adam I’m
not sure where I would be, we laugh and drink our cocktails and stay connected. I'm one lucky woman! I focus on smiling and enjoying life and to think that Zach is smiling
down on us and giving us those special signs and wanting us to laugh like he
did, from his belly! To enjoy every moment I have and to cherish my family
sounds “cliché,” but really life is too short for the drama and resentment, it
is much sweeter with smiles and love.
One of the things I wrote to Zach this year in my journal
was this, “I was amazed with the life you lead. The fun things you did, and the
joy you brought to all of us. My heart was broken when you left, but bursting
when you were here. I think of all the things you’ll miss, but I know you
really won’t miss them, because you will always be in my heart and by my side.”
– Love, Mama
Below, is a piece of writing that Garrett wrote in school
this year.
I believe in my brother. I believe that my brother is in a better
place. I know that he was suffering and was in pain. I understand that he was
hurting, and that there was nothing else to do. His body was shutting down and
it was time. I was only six years old and I knew he was sick. It didn’t make it
any easier and it still doesn’t. People say, “in time things get easier,” but
they’re wrong. There is a part of my heart that will always hold him in tight.
When I see other people with all their brothers and sisters it can hurt more
than I thought. I have to tell myself that he is in a better place.
I want to see him again, like
right now, but I can’t. Just a couple of years is all I got. I played
with him and enjoyed his laugh. I would play in the water in the backyard with
him and get him soaking wet. I always wanted to sleep in his room to keep an
eye on him. I was only six but I knew he was sick and I wanted to watch him.
When the time came to say goodbye, I said goodbye. I didn’t know what it really
meant to say goodbye because I was only six. Now that I’m older I know what it
means and I believe in my brother.
I want to live a full and happy life leaving not a normal boring
life. The kind of life which is like a roller coaster. One second you're mad,
one second you're sad, one second you're in love, then it all twirls back and
that is what makes it a normal life. These moments in life may be easy or may
be hard, but I believe it is part of life. I believe that life is hard to
describe, but I know that my brother is still with me. I believe in my brother
he is my security, the security you have to when you feel warm in your
childhood blanket.
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