Five Years

Five years!  Really, FIVE years, and it still is so fresh and real.  Five years and it feels like forever and it feels like yesterday.  I always write to Zachary (almost once a week) and it seems to help.  I just don’t post on here, except twice a year.  In honor of my bi-yearly tradition it is October 10th, 2015 and I can barely breathe.  I don’t know why five years feels like such a “BIG DEAL” but it does, maybe its because it’s a big number—I really have no clue. Maybe its because there are so many “signs” lately that its just hard to ignore.  I’ve been noticing 10’s all over the place. I hear “life is a highway” in random places, right after I have visited his spot.  

I just can’t describe what its like to continue with your life when your child is gone.  It is weird and different, and you think I’d have gotten use to it by now, but I haven’t! There are so many times where I want to say “family of five” when making reservations, or when answering the dreaded question, “how many children do you have? THREE” More importantly when milestones happen with Garrett or Dominic, those are the hardest.  First day of school, birthday, Christmas, and even sports games….but I get through them! WE get through them. In life we are sometimes just given some really crappy “things” and this is the crappiest!  As a friend of mine always reminds me, we get through them—because what is our other option! And she is right, we do get through them….It's not the easiest, but we do get through them. 

I find myself reflecting so much about when he passed, how he passed, etc! So I figure this is the best time to share all those thoughts.  Zachary was such an amazingly strong little boy.  Reflecting back, he was battling and fighting for so long.  I just can’t describe how much he went through. He was our fighter, but he just wasn’t strong enough.  And that pisses me off! However, there is some comfort in looking back on the way he lived his life.  He enjoyed every single moment and loved his family so much.  He loved Disneyland and the trips with his brothers. He also smiled every chance he could. When he wanted someone to hold him he always said, “hold you!.” His eyes twinkled when he watch WoodyBuzz or Cars. There is no happier child who went through so much. 

Even when he passed, he was a fighter. The George Mark Children’s house provided us with so much. They gave us comfort, support and strength in the most difficult situations.  We had ten people in the room when he passed (including himself). They welcome all of us, our laughter, our crying and our craziness.  In life’s worse situation, there are so many people who help you make it through.  I can’t thank Devon, Rob, Brandi, Ben, Paula, Coy and Beth enough for sharing in that moment with Adam and I and Zach.  

Our family is doing great!  We wake up and don’t all think of Zach in a heart wrenching way, but more of a “peaceful” acknowledgement. Adam and I have been talking about him more often, and still grieve and I know we always will. Adam is so strong and holds me up when I lose my mind.  Garrett is doing amazing, he loves Zachary’s memory day and always wants to honor him.  He still insists on planning and decorating Zach’s spot at the cemetery.  Dominic is having a much harder time lately.  He is old enough now to go through all the emotions, that we as adults have difficult times understanding. We let him take the lead on when he wants to talk about him, and when he wants to cry.  It breaks my heart more than anything to see him cry and grasping for answers, that I just can’t give him. Adam, Garrett and I have gotten stronger and “better” and I know Dominic will too!

As always, I must say my “thank yous”.  Thank you to the families that continue to donate to George Mark children’s house in Zachary’s name.  That facility can continue to provide amazing support to other families through your donations.  And, yes—-we are almost paid off! Almost…well for us…almost!!! We started with so much debt when Zachary passed, and I wouldn’t have done a damn thing different. We did everything we could, and I would have paid for the rest of my life if it meant he would still be here. So, thank you to those who continue to donate to our family! Every little bit helps and we are getting there! YAHOO!!!

Always remember 10-10-10 and always remember to simile and laugh and enjoy every moment.  

Happy Zachary Memory Day

I’ve also included what I typed up for April and never posted!  See below.

April 9, 2015

I write and write for this blog and many times I never post.  Writing is amazing, because I can let my emotions go and then I usually feel better.  

Let me start this blog with some things I want to “get out there” 

There are some comments people have made to me this year, that I feel people shouldn’t say!  I know theses were said with good intentions, but the thoughts that run through my head are not nice.  Here are the questions and my "MIND" answers.

Yes, I’m grateful for my other children.  Thank you for pointing that out!

Just because I might mention that I miss my son doesn’t mean that I’m not aware of my other two beautiful boys.  Trust me I am grateful for them, their laughter, arguing and even non stop “MOM” is really the best thing in the world. It seems funny to  me that if I say, “oh I’m miss Zach today”, that people respond with, “but you have Garrett and Dom.” I know I have my other two boys, but I still miss and ache for the one who is gone.  

No, I don’t believe this happened for a reason

Ahhhhh, I have no clue why my son is not alive.  I don’t know what reason there could be for this…really I have no clue.  it is easy for people to say this, because it hasn’t happened to them. Many other mothers have mentioned the same feeling to me, they don’t know what reason in the world their child was taken from them.  No reason, so please don’t tell me it happened for a reason; unless you can specifically tell me what reason.  And no, saying god had a plan, is NOT a reason.

I know we will continue to heal, do we really have a choice

It is amazing to me how many people make comments about how we will heal and move through this.  I know we will, we are still living and he is not! It doesn’t mean it’s easy.  There are days that are fine and really I’m okay and I don’t focus on him not being here.  There are other days that are difficult because he is on my mind, and those days are the most difficult.  We will continue to heal and live our lives, but that seems obvious to me.

No, I’m not sure what “triggered” my meltdown today

I lose it! I don’t know why, but I just do.  It can be because I see a donut hole, fruit loops, or just the color red.  Or I see my other children enjoying something so much that I wish he was here.  There is no reason why, except—my heart hurts and sometimes my emotions just take over.

Yes, I want to talk about him, and I’m sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Sorry, sorry, sorry—not really.  I want to talk about my precious red head.  I want to talk about my experience having twins.  I want to tell people what he did and how he was so special.  I want to tell everyone that we miss him.  Just let me talk and just listen.

Sorry, I don’t care about the petty crap in life.

Continually asking me about the “drama” around my other two children doesn’t interest me in the least.  I have a hard time biting my tongue when parents want to chat about the local gossip at school or sports.  It doesn’t matter to me what field trips are offered or if the team logo “pops!” It’s not that I don’t care, its that in the BIG picture these things just don’t matter.  What matters is that you have a child that is there to play the sport, attend school or cause you grief!

I will never be the same as I was, and honestly I have no clue what that means.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I have no clue what this implies; am I too sad, heavy, cranky, moody, perky? I don’t really remember “who” I was before my son passed.  Life changes, people change and morph into who they are today.  If I’ve changed, I guess that’s to be expected. One of my favorite phrases is, “yes I’ve changed, pain does that.”

Even though time passes and people’s lives continue, those who have lost a child will ALWAYS be grieving, and please don’t expect them to stop.