I feel like I start off every updated with the same phrase,
“ I can believe it has been…” But that is honestly the way I feel, I just can’t
believe it has been SEVEN years. It feels like yesterday he was sitting on my
lap and we were watching Toy Story. Or he was climbing on Adam’s back or
playing with his brothers. Everything changed so quickly, but my feelings are
so strong. I don’t know if that intense feeling of loss will really ever
disappear. To lose a child is the worst thing in the world, a nightmare and a
never-ending cycle of grief. It is hard to put into words.
The simplest way to put it into words is….complicated! I
look at pictures of him and think about what he would be like today. I look at
Dominic and think about how his life would have been different if his twin were
still here. I look at Garrett who is still so connected to Zachary’s memory and
wonder what would be different if Zach was still here. Then in the same moment
I don't wonder the “what if…” I think about what he did do for us. I am still
amazed that in his three and a half years he taught us so much. Patience and
perseverance are the main lessons I learned from Zach. He taught me to be patient and that not
everything has an answer. He also taught me that if he could handle all the
surgeries, procedures and medical treatments…than I could handle anything.
Always trying to find the positive is the best method for my grief.
October 10th will forever be a day that I have
mixed emotions. Anger is the strongest one because Adam and I could do anything
to save him or make him better, and that makes me frustrated beyond words. I
also feel peace because I know that he is free from all the pain he had to
endure, which was more than anyone should have to deal with in their life. I
know for a fact that sadness will always be a part of me on today and
everyday….just a little more prevalent today.
I know that this year was difficult for Dominic, many times,
but he made it through and is asking more questions. I know that Garrett wants
to know more about “what happened,” and I’m glad Adam and I are sharing. Adam
is again my rock and my support, and I hope I am that for him. No matter what
else happens in our lives, there is nothing this impactful in a marriage, and
we are stronger than ever. I know he misses him as much as I do, but he doesn’t
share it as much….but Zach and him had such a special bond.
As I reflect on this past year and the last seven years, I
realize that it still hurts and always will.
I will cry in the shower or in my
car…and it feels good.
I will talk about him….because I
need to.
I will tell stories about him to his
brothers….because they need to hear them.
I will share memories with Adam….because
we need to remember our little boy together.
I will share with people that I
lost a child….because it is part of who I am.
I will smile…..because that is what
he would have wanted.
I will breathe…..because sometimes
that is all I can do.
I will always love him….because I
am his mom.
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