Reflecting on Eight....

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Every year I have to catch my breath on this day. Every year I sit in shock as I wait for “Zachary’s Memory Day.” I don’t know why, but the days leading up to Zachary’s memory day don’t impact me as much as the days that follow. I have a hard time processing after his “Memory Day.” On the tenth I realize that he passed and was instantly out pain, so on that day I celebrate his memory and who he was. It has taken years to be able to use the past tense verb when referring to Zach and not crying instantly!

On the tenth I remember so much and I reflect on so much! I remember who he was and the joy he brought to everyone. The smiles he created and the lessons he taught us. I surround myself in memories on this day.

I love his laughter when…….

 Woody and Buzz said, “there is a snake in my boot,” in Toy Story 2!

 He would say, “hold you!”

 He would take out Dominic’s binky

 We would play in the bathtub with a stupid green squishy monster

He would run naked throughout the house

Garrett would tickle him

Adam would let him climb on his back

We would run and chase each other everywhere!!!

He would throw his socks out the car window.

He filled our lives with laughter and love. I miss him and there are moments where the pain is so strong, that I literally buckle and cry. Sometimes those moments happen when I’m looking at Dominic or Garrett and realize that he is missing part of something major. When Dominic promoted from elementary school, I was hurting inside and could barely make it to the ceremony, but I made it! At that moment I was thinking that I should be attending two momentous occasions, but I was just attending one. When Garrett promoted and we were celebrating and taking family pictures, my heart ached for the missing piece. As time has passed, those moments are not daily or weekly, but on occasion and my heart just simply hurts. I miss my baby, plain and simple.

When I look at Adam and see that he still has pictures of Zach on his computer, my heart aches for his pain….but in the same moment, I feel happy that he sees him every day. I couldn’t have survived the loss of Zach without his constant support and love. He knows that I “lose” it in the fall and he understands my weakness. He doesn’t tell me to “move on” or “relax,” he supports me and tells me what I need to hear. I don’t know if I tell him thank you enough, but I should. Having a spouse that supports you and allows you to grieve when you need to grieve, is so important. When he surprises me with sunflowers, I know that he is reaching out to me to tell me that he knows I still hurt. I am one lucky woman!

Garrett and Dominic are both looking forward to celebrating Zach’s memory day. They look forward to this time to openly share and process what has happened in our family. Garrett has asked more and more questions about how Zachary passed. He is also very curious on why he was sick and why there was no way to help him…he thinks that isn’t fair. He is maturing and processing what many adults don’t process. Dominic pulls at my heart even more as he gets older. This week he told me he was going to be sad in three days, and when I asked why he told me because on the 10^th his twin died and he was left alone. I reminded him that he isn’t alone, but my heart broke when he said that “he was missing part of his heart.” He has a lot to deal with and continues to grow every year. Honestly, I am angry and pissed that both my boys have lost their brother and have to deal with those emotions daily. It is hard to tell your children that you understand their feelings BUT can’t fix it. As a parent I can’t FIX this for them, but I know that I can give them the support they need. I don’t know what else to say to them, except that we love them and will always be there to listen and support them in their own journey of grief.

After eight years, I am stronger and coping better! I have to say that I love when people ask me to talk about Zach, I NEVER want his memory to die…ever. He is my son and always will be. I have three children, only two are here….but I need people to understand the heart ache I have when I am asked how many children I have. I have three beautiful boys, but only get to watch two meet the milestones I wanted all three to meet. Please ask me about Zach and how I’m doing…..it’s OKAY! I like the opportunity to be real and share what I feel. I can never forget to thank the people who donate for Zachary’s medical bills! We are almost done paying off the last of his bills, so those who donate…THANK YOU!

Please always remember to not judge others, you don’t know what people are coping with on the inside. Always remember that a parent who lost a child is always grieving, a family is always grieving and a family will NEVER end the grieving process…respect their feelings and understand that whether the loss was one week, eight years  or twenty years ago, the feelings are the same, a parent should never have to bury their child. 

Today I will smile and surround myself with sunflowers or as Zach called them, "Happy Flowers" and remember his laugh and smile.

Thanks for all the support and love for Zachary and our family.