Smile and Cry

How to smile and cry at the same time!

April 9, 2007, was the perfect day, it was the day that completed our family. Garrett had just turned 3 and the boys were born, Dominic first and then Zachary. I was beyond blessed to have both of them born, because at one point during my pregnancy that just might not have happened. I wasn’t able to hold Zachary because he was having some difficulties and needed to go to the NICU, I was able to hold Dom and just cherished that moment. I wasn’t doing well, but I woke up in recovery a few hours later. It was a perfect day, the day I will always cherish and remember, April 9, 2007.

Thirteen years later, I still cherish that day and replay every moment that my boys were brought into this world. Now, it is hard! It is challenging and it is heartbreaking. Their birthday is probably still one of the hardest days of the year...Mother’s Day is a close second. This is the day where every year, I am so frustrated, angry and confused. It is hard! That is the real truth of this day. Birthdays celebrate another year, another milestone, which is happy and exciting for Dom...but heart wrenching for me. I always think it will be easier the next year, but it just isn’t. While Dom blows out his candles, I always start to tear up and think that Zach should be sitting next to him. Adam is always there to “cover for me” when I need a minute. I smile for Dom and laugh and celebrate because it isn’t fair that his birthday should have any negative moment….and that is what just breaks my heart. I will smile! I always do, but I feel for him too because he will mention Zach sometimes and it just breaks my heart….I can’t make it better for him! 

Each year I find a phrase that I repeat in my head, which usually can get me through the day. This is how I smile and cry at the same time. Find that quote and repeat it throughout the day. Fill the day with activities and maybe, just maybe go a little overboard for Dominic. Tomorrow he will be thirteen and I will celebrate him and the fact that he is thirteen! I am so proud of all he has accomplished and what he has overcome in his own journey. He is a kind-hearted, caring, funny and powerful young man, who I am honored to be his mom. 

Cherish every moment you have with your loved ones, there is no guarantee for another birthday, so hold your love ones a little more today. Take a moment to check in with anyone who has lost a child, even if it isn’t a milestone, just check-in. Smile and laugh to celebrate Dom, and send a birthday wish to Zachary! 

Tomorrow’s phrase: “Things to do today: breathe in, breathe out.”

Smile and Cry

Meredith