10 Years

How do I describe today? I always struggle with my words when picking out the exact words that describe how I feel today….anger, sadness, frustration, darkness, relief, guilt, joy, YUP! All of those emotions accurately describe October 10, even ten years later. We were planning on a big 10-year memory celebration for Zach, but then COVID hit. Our friends put together a beautiful way to remember Zach, but truthfully...my heart hurt when they suggested it, why? My deepest fear is always that he will be forgotten and people move on. I couldn’t bear the thought of their plans not unfolding the way they planned since people have forgotten our beautiful redhead. Yes, I know all of those thoughts are ridiculous and I shouldn’t care what people think, do or say...but in reality, that my deepest fear after losing Zach is that he will be forgotten. Which I have to say, is not the case. I was humbled with the responses from people who dropped by his tree, bought toys to give George Marks House, and donated to our family. I’m in awe of the continued support and love for our family and more importantly, Zachary’s memory. 

For years I have wondered so much, the wondering is what keeps me up at night. I wonder what he would look like, what would his interests be, would he have “overcome” his medical issues..etc. And of course, there will always be wondering if I/we did enough. That is just a part that never ends. 

This year, I’m at a loss for words more than before. I’m not sure if it is because it is 2020….enough said! Or, maybe I just feel the same way I always feel on 10-10, and nothing seems different. I still miss Zach and wish he was here. It feels like yesterday he was with us and at the same time my heart is so heavy, I know it has been forever. 

This is part of what I read today at his tree and I think it sums up all of our emotions perfectly….

Thank you for listening to us tell our stories, for letting me cry, for understanding the tough days for us, for offering support to Garrett and Dominic, and for remembering today. You all carry a piece of his memory with you every day and that is truly remarkable and means the world to us.

 

We miss you Zach and there isn’t a day that passes that we don’t think of you. 

Yes, I have learned to cope, but there will always be a hole in my heart for you, my red-headed angel. We love you!

 

Ka-chow! Lightning McQueen and of course…WoodyBuzz forever!

Always and forever 10!