Always in our Hearts..15 years!

Every year that goes by, I always wonder if this day will feel different, but it doesn’t. There is something about Zachary’s memory day that is both soothing and heartwrenching. Today will be fifteen years without Zach, which seems like some sort of milestone; which I guess in some ways it is. This year, he would have turned 18, become a senior, made significant decisions about his future, and graduated from high school. All milestones that didn’t happen. Although he celebrated all of those for Dominic and enjoyed every minute of his milestone year, sometimes I would feel an ache in my heart. 

When I sit down to write this post every year, I don’t have a plan or know where to start or what to write, but I always feel that I am honoring him and his memory by doing this simple post. It has also become a part of my grieving that gives me peace.

I think about the times we had with Zachary and cherish those moments whenever they come to mind. Simple things still take my breath away, others make me cry, and some even make me laugh. I’m able to laugh and smile more and cry less when “Life is a Highway” comes on the radio, or when I see someone wearing Toy Story, I don’t cry instantly. When we go to Disneyland, I look at Carsland with a smile and think how much he would have loved everything there. I look around and see signs that I know must be Zach sending me his love.

As I sit here, with tears pouring down my face, the pain is still there. I don’t think it ever goes away, the second I start to really think about him and let myself feel everything…I just cry. I miss him, I miss who he could have been, what he would have done, and how much love we could have given him throughout his life. I think about all the “what ifs” and “what could have been,” and it is a challenge every year. I don’t allow myself to think about it often, but when I celebrate him and his life, it always comes to the forefront of my thoughts. 

I want to remember the memories that always come to my mind when I think of him

• “Woodybuzz”
• “Is that my pizzle?”
• “Slocks”
• Always wanting to be in water
• Belly laughing with his brothers
• Painting himself with food, instead of eating it
• Laughing so hard when Woody said, “Is there a snake in my boot?”
• Constantly taking off his diaper
• Teasing Dominic by pulling his binky out
• Loving Adam’s spicy pesto sauce (never ate it but licked the spoon)
• Giving the biggest hugs and always saying, “Hold You” instead of “Hold Me.”

When someone leaves us, they leave a hole in our hearts that will never be filled. In time, we learn to grow and heal around that hole, but when we take a moment to look, the hole is still there, just protected by time and healing. 

Today, remember that life is sort and cherish every minute you have with the people you love. Take the picture, the video, and say I love you. I hope that you wear red, listen to "Life is a Highway" and smile to heaven today! 

Love you Zachary, always will, there is never a day that goes by that we don't think of you. You're still the screen saver on Dad's phone, Garrett still has your blanket, and Dominic still has your colorful rock. We love you and never will forget your smile that lit up the room!

We plan on purchasing Cars and Toy Story Toys to drop off at George Mark Children's house. It is something that we look forward to every year.  If you want to contribute, please Venmo me @Meredith-Bullock-10, and we will buy some toys with your donation. Last year, we were able to purchase many different Cars, puzzles, and Toy Story toys, so thank you.