When I started this blog in 2009, I did it because I wanted to give people important medical updates on Zachary without repeating the story or facts multiple times. Over the years, the blog has changed into my yearly memory post for Zachary, and I'm so glad I have this yearly opportunity to share my thoughts. Being a grieving mother or family doesn't get easier or "heal," and I find sharing our year and how we continue to heal allows me to keep his memory alive.
I really thought that I would be able to cope better, but there are days when that isn't a possibility. Those days just come out of the blue; they aren't really anything I can "prep" myself for, but when they do...they still take my breath away. I don't have too many of these "Zach Attacks," which are my little moments of memories usually followed by sadness. I can say they happen when someone talks about Toy Story or Cars, when Life is a Highway is played, and when something reminds me of him. Sometimes, I get sad and upset, and other times, I remember that this is his memory living on.
We only had three and a half years with him, so every single memory is one that I cherish. Some of my favorites usually involve Garrett and Dominic. One of my favorites with Garrett is when Zach came home from one of his long stays in the hospital, he insisted on sleeping in the same room with Zach. One night, in the middle of the night, we heard Garrett screaming. We ran upstairs, and Zach was sitting on his head, just belly-laughing! Garrett was yelling at us to get him off his head, but Zach kept sitting there and then gave Garrett some kisses! With Dominic, they were buds all the time. I don't know who usually instigated their fun, but they both participated. Adam or I would walk in frequently to them, climbing on things, taking off their diapers, or fighting over a walker (when we had two identical ones); Zach loved to tease Dom and would always take his binkies from his mouth and throw them. Disneyland is full of my favorite memories of Zach, we started going when the boys were just 4 months old, and we went several times a year. Every year, we went, multiple times, with feeding tubes, seizures, and TPN we went and he loved it! The smiles on his face are always in my memory. So many people met us at Disneyland and shared in this memories with us and I now his smile is something they think of when they go to Disneyland. Many of my other memories are in the hospital, with tubes, or at appointments, but that is perfectly fine because that is why he left so soon; his body was tired.
This year is challenging; it is Dom's senior year, so the thought that two of our kids should be doing these life events is present. We are not focusing on that, or trying not to, because this is Dom's year, and it's special for him without the sadness of "there should be two." I'm beyond grateful for my friends who allow me to say I'm having a hard day or a moment when these happen because they do, and I need someone to listen or hug, so thank you for always listening and supporting me through this never-ending grieving journey.
As I sit here, I always want people to think about how to help other families who are grieving the loss of a child, and although I could give a long list of what to do and not do, the biggest thing I can say is to let them talk about their child and their memories. Sometimes, I'm cautious to bring him up because the reaction from people makes me feel awkward, and I've come to realize it is because people aren't sure how to react. One of my most significant Zachary moments this year was when I was with my cousin, and we were visiting at his studio, and he asked me to tell him Zachary's story. I said the whole thing, and he said if I wanted to share, he'd love to listen. I don't know how long I talked and shared, but it was one of the most beautiful things I've done to remember Zachary in a long time. He sat there and listened, cried with me, and hugged me, a genuine hug. sharing those memories was so helpful for me; it allowed me to share his story and keep his memory alive.
I always like to remember Zachary through this blog on 10-10, but he's always in our minds and hearts. Garrett still goes to the cemetery with me and always takes a picture by his headstone. Although Adam and I don't have deep conversations about him daily, we both share memories as they cross our minds. He is always a part of us, and I will always have a piece of my heart missing. I've decided that this year, I am just incredibly sad that I didn't get to see him grow up; I just wanted to see him grow up and see what his life would be like.
So today, I ask you to join us in remembering Zachary, wear red, buy some sunflowers, listen to Life is a Highway, watch Toy Story or Cars, play in the bathtub, suck on some donut holes, or give someone a big hug and say "hold you."
Dominic and I will go buy Cars and Toy Story Toys to drop off at George Mark Children's house. It is our new tradition. If you want to contribute, please Venmo me @Meredith-Bullock-10, and we will buy some toys with your donation. Last year, we were able to purchase many different Cars, puzzles, and Toy Story toys, so thank you.
As always, "I love you, Zachary, and I know I'll see you again someday. I miss you more than I can ever say" Love Mommy.
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