Time to start to heal......

Well……

I hardly know what to say except---we are breathing!

Dealing with the loss of your child has to be the hardest thing to deal with. Over the past seven weeks I think I have felt every emotion on the planet. The memorial and gravesite service were perfect. Adam and I were so pleased with how beautiful everything turned out. I have to say--- without close friends there is no way the service would have happened. A special thanks to Auntie Beth who helped coordinate everything!! There are so many other people that helped, and too many to name, but thanks to everyone who helped out.

The boys are doing “okay!” What “okay” means in this situation is something I don’t know…Garrett is having numerous melt downs and wants to constantly make a memory of Zach. He talks about him all the time, and has a strong sense of pride when it comes to Zachary’s spot. Garrett plans out exactly what he thinks should be at Zachary’s spot during each season. He is dealing, but it is with a lot of support! It is hard to have my own pain, but watching Garrett go through his adds so much more pain.

Dominic doesn’t really get it! Some days he will ask me to go get him from the hospital, and other days he wants to tell me he went to heaven. Other days he tells me he died and he’s all gone. Then there are a few days where he has full meltdowns where he cries and holds a picture of Zach and says, “I want my bubbie!” I know that in time he will heal, but he is so young to understand death.

“How are you doing?” DUMB QUESTION  I have returned to work and realized that it helps the hours pass by. It doesn’t matter where I am; car, shower, my job, watching t.v., or doing laundry I still feel that a piece of me is missing. On the outside I am holding it together, but I cry several times a day. Many people keep asking why I haven’t had a break down, and I have them….just not in public. I have people ask me what they can do for me, but I simply say I don’t know? And that is the truth I don’t know. We are making it through all the holidays and will see how we all are doing when the “crazy time of year” is gone and things start to settle. We are not participating this season in a lot of the traditional holiday celebrations. It is hard enough to get up and get dressed in the morning and deal with day to day life, so the holidays are pushing it. Adam and I are both leaning on each other for strength through this time. He has been a huge support for me, and I am there for him. Thank goodness we chose to breakdown at different times.

It is difficult going places and returning to a “normal life” routine. However, I really don’t know what normal is. Our family was so focused on Zach that without him here I feel lost at what to do. My house doesn’t look like a medical supply unit and the upstairs room doesn’t resemble a hospital room…..and that is still unsettling. I guess over the next few months we will get use to our new routine. I know the pain will never go away, and it’s heart breaking to put into words, but I know Zachary is smiling on us from heaven.

I will try to keep this updated when I can! I know many people want to know how we are doing and this is an easy way to put it.

Thanks again for everything everyone has done and continues to do for our family.