Grieving Update----

This week will be another month marker---four months since Zachary has passed. It is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. I have told some people that in the beginning you function better than after time passes. I swear I was in a fog in the first two months, nothing really registered. I was walking around doing what I needed to do each day. It wasn’t until the holidays came around that I started to “wake up” and realize that he wasn’t coming home from a long hospital stay, and he was really gone. It was at that moment I realized that had my heart torn out.

It has been more difficult as time has passed. Our lives were very Zachary focused, as it needed to be…..and now it’s very different. Adam is dealing and is being fantastic at dealing with my many moods. He is picking up the slack a lot for when I just can’t do stuff around the house. The boys are coping the best they can. Garrett says that Zach visits him in bed and talks with him, he told me that last month Zach told him that he was having fun in heaven. Dominic tells me that he misses Zach, but “I am not sad.” They are trying the best they can. Garrett gets frustrated and wants to know why he can’t die and see him. It is hard as a parent watching your child hurt and deal with your own grief.

Everyday, I cry and cry. I am getting better since I don’t sob myself to sleep every night, but I cry. I don’t know how to explain the feelings I have to other people. No, I’m not doing okay, but don’t expect me to. No, I don’t think I’ll “feel better” anytime soon. No, I don’t want you to try and make me happy. Yes, this just sucks. There is no better way to put it than it stinks. To wake up every morning and only see two of your children breaks your heart. At night when I kiss our children goodnight and hold them, I’m not able to hold Zach. To go through all of the daily rituals without a child…takes my breath away. The reality of knowing that I can NEVER again hold Zach is devastating. It is difficult to tell people that you are just sad. There might not be a reason why you are breaking down, all you know is you need to cry.

As time goes by I expect this journey to be easier, but so far it’s not. I don’t know how it will get easier….I think I’ll just learn to cope. I know that the best advice I can give people who keep asking, “what can I do to help, just ask if you need anything, let me know what I can do…..” is just do something. I barely have enough energy for the day, let alone to ask people for help, or say what to do! Which is why I can't say thank you enough for all the kind things people have done for me, and each way people have shown me they care. I have AGAIN be overwhelmed with peoples kindness and thoughtfulness....I've been taken out to dinner, cookies left on my doorstep, friends going the the cemetery with me, watching my other boys, coffee at work, flowers at home, a massage, a pedicure, still receiving donations,the list goes on and on. With all that said I have to say THANK YOU without friends and support this would be even harder.

If you know of other people who have lost a child, call them or write them and just say you are thinking of them. It might be on a really rough day, and a nice note or thought from a friend will help them get through one more day.