YIKES!!!

Okay, it has been two months since my last update, and six since Zachary has passed. I can officially say that I have gone through TONS of emotions.

Currently, I am in the anger stage of grief. I have no one specifically to blame, but boy am I mad. I am angry that we won't get to watch him grow up! I am livid that Garrett and Dominic lost their brother. I am furious that Adam and I won't have one of our sons with us. I am mad when people say that "time will heal things"--my response is simple, "NO!" This is something that I have to live with everyday, for the rest of my life, so I am not quite sure how time will heal that pain.

I look through pictures and it tears my heart out! I talk to Zach constantly hoping for a sign that he can hear me. I cry nightly and several times a day---wishing that would help the pain go away. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, but it is a SLOW process and painful. All I can say is it hurts and if you imagine your life without your child for five seconds, you have a small taste of my daily life.

Garrett is having ups and downs, but is getting better. He constantly reminds me of what Zach would of liked. After Garrett's birthday we were tucking him into bed and he burst into tears. I thought something went wrong with the party, but NO, he was sad because he wanted Zach to be at his party. He said Zach would of had so much fun and would of laughed. It broke our hearts to watch Garrett cry and miss him on such a deep level.

Dominic is doing okay. He mentions Zach, but not to often. On their birthday whenever he would tell anyone it was his birthday he would add, "and Zachie too!" I don't really know how much he gets, but he misses him on some level.

Daily life is difficult and I thought after six months getting up everyday and doing daily living would get easier! HA! Some days/weeks are better than others. It seems that the days where I cry so hard I can't catch my breath are lessening, so that is an improvement. I know I'm not the most "upbeat" person right now.....I am trying too :-) Life is rough and I know at some point it will get better, but the hurt will never go away. The best way for me to describe everything is simple..everything feels wrong! I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I know that Zachary is not in pain anymore, but it is US the ones who are left behind that are now in pain. I love you Zachary and we miss you so much!

On a happier note---I don't feel that I can ever end a post or update without making sure I count my blessings. Although time has passed and people have "moved on" many people still are here for us. We still get notes, calls, dinners, cookies, e-mails, and other acts of kindness. I can't thank everyone enough for the constant support we have received and continue to receive. I KNOW I(we) couldn't do this alone, so from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU!!