SUMMER TIME

I have found that updating the blog every few months has helped people understand where I am at with my healing/grieving process. I really think it’s a great way to help me heal. This is a very segmented update, but I hope you can follow along.

Let’s see where to start…..after the boys 4th birthday I went downhill. I was so mad and furious that I was celebrating Dom’s birthdays and couldn’t celebrate Zachs in the same way. I wanted him to be there and have cake, even if he wouldn’t have eaten it! I was just checking out of my own life. I was going through the daily motions, but I was numb. Then I got bells palsy and was forced to slow down and let my body recuperate. This was helpful in many ways, but it was great for me to just sit at home and cry and grieve.

I feel so alone in this journey many times. Probably because I won’t breakdown and cry in front of others. I am usually the one not crying and others are crying. Then I don’t want to cry in front of everyone and be the one who is constantly crying. I had a hard time keeping it together in the Spring, and I have given in and just cry when I need to cry and don't care what anyone says.

People ask me all the time, “how are you doing? do you feel any better?” I politely answer that I’m hanging in there, or I am okay. Reality is I want to yell, “NO, I AM NOT FEELING ANY BETTER, I DIDN’T HURT MYSELF, MY SON DIED.” But then I have to realize that people are just trying to be nice and show their support. Which is what happened in full force in the month of MAY. My friend Timberly had been asking me since Zach passed how she could help and I kept saying we were fine. She finally realized that I am stubborn and proud and wouldn’t ask for any help, so she just said I’m doing a fundraiser for your family. I didn’t have the strength to argue with her, and she did it! The Zumbathon was a huge success. I was able to pay off the balance of Zachary’s funeral bill. I paid off and closed the account and it felt great, a sense of closure in many ways. I can’t thank everyone for the support that we received. I was shocked and blessed, and checks keep coming in! Every check that comes in goes directly on our “Zach accounts,” and once his expenses have been cleared then we will be donating directly to the George Mark Children’s house.

I feel so blessed and lucky to have so many amazing people still supporting us through this rough journey. In the beginning there were so many people standing there asking what we needed, and I thought that the support would go away. That people would go on with their daily lives and expect me to do the same, but that isn’t the case. Everyone understands that I (we) are still grieving and it isn’t going to end anytime soon. I still have people saying, well it’s time to move on……I will never move on, but I will learn how to cope and heal.

“Are you going back to work???” Honestly, I wasn’t sure towards the end of last school year if I would return to teaching. Being around children was hard for me, and more importantly being around young children was even harder. So, I decided I would try to venture out into the “corporate world.” I went on an interview in San Francisco, I got all dressed up and went into the city. It was amazing I got off BART walked into the office and sat down for my interview and felt great. Then as the interview ended I found myself looking around the office wondering what was the “décor” where were the “borders/trim” and then I wanted to scream. It hit me like a ton of bricks…I CAN’T DO THIS! I need to teach…..I have to teach…..I love to teach! I realized instantly that this was not for me, and although it might be challenging being around kids all day, it might be the healing that I need. So, as I got up and left the meeting and walked to the elevator and said my little prayer to Zach, “please give me a sign that I am making the right decision and that mommy can keep teaching, please help me Zach.” Well I got my answer…BIG AND BRIGHT….as I got off the elevator I turned to walk towards the street and saw a HUGE billboard for CARS 2, and all I said was “thanks Zach!” I am now thrilled to teach next year. I have ordered new borders, name plates, and décor!!!! I also have realized that this will be the first year in a long time that I can teach without waiting for another catastrophe to occur. I just can’t wait to teach this year.

That is a HUGE update on me. So bottom line, I am breathing and finally I can say improving. I don’t sob daily and I don’t cry daily. There are things that “trigger” the emotions (CARS 2 everywhere) and the tears start streaming down my cheeks. There are times where I am full of emotions, but I can remember that Zach is in a better place and he is out of pain. I miss my baby more than words can describe, but I know he is always with me. He is my angel.

The boys are doing OK. Garrett is keeping busy with summer camp and enjoying spending his time outside doing sports. He is taking a break from counseling this summer, and seems to be doing better. He often talks of Zachary, but I don’t see the pain in his eyes as much. He got a dog, Davis, which has helped his healing so much. He is focused on Davis and feels like he has some responsibility again.

Dominic is having a hard time lately. He is dreaming about Zach and wakes up throughout the night wanting his “Zachie.” He is now seeing a counselor and that is helping him work through some tough emotions and questions he is having.

Adam is Adam! He is amazing and strong and a great dad and husband. He is supporting all of us while grieving himself. He misses Zach and I can see that in his eyes, but he is pushing through.

Life keeps going forward…and I can say that there are finally more “happy” days than “sad” days. I consider that progress!

Thanks again to everyone for your support, kindness, generosity and caring. The random acts of kindness still take my breathe away.

Remember the word that keeps me going: PERSPECTIVE. Keeping everything in perspective makes life easier.