NEW YEAR 2012

I always feel relieved and “better” once I have updated the blog. I think part of it is because I get all my feelings and emotions out AND everyone knows what is going on without asking me DAILY :-)

Since, October 10^th (Zachary’s one year) it has been another difficult few months. The one-year memory day, as we have decided to call it, was beautiful. I was so taken back when my friend informed me that a plaque AND tree were both planted for Zachary. We were going to wait on the tree due the cost, but friends and family surprised us with both. I can’t thank everyone for the wonderful gift. We love having the tree right at Memorial Park. I have walked up to the tree at least three times on my lunch break, just to re-group and focus. The boys love to look at the tree at night, and they both call it “Zachie’s tree.” It is a very peaceful place for all of us.

The holidays were extremely difficult for me this year. Last year I was so numb and in deep depression that I didn’t really “feel” the holidays. Wow! This year I felt it, and it wasn’t pretty. Last year I still bought Zachary Christmas presents and was not in the mindset that he wasn’t here. This year shopping was difficult; it seemed as if CARS 2 and Toy Story 3 covered every inch of every store. I didn’t buy him anything, but an ornament for the tree. I have decided that each year that will be the tradition that I keep going. I give all the boys an ornament, and I won’t stop that! Taking our Christmas Card picture was probably the hardest for me, as this was our first family picture since Zach died. This was very hard, but we needed to do it.

Holidays feel very weird for me….and it is something I have to get use to. Being surrounded by friends and co-workers that all discuss--- spending time with their entire family, having the whole family together, all their children are home, is very difficult to hear. No one needs to “hurt” me, but those are painful situations. I am taking a deep breath and am learning to just excuse myself from these conversations. Maybe in a few years I can handle these conversations, but I’m not there yet.

Garrett and Dom are both in very different places with their coping. Garrett will talk about Zachary and what he is missing, but not much else. He is very determined to figure out the order of death in our family. He has it all planned who will die next, and after that---quite weird, but I guess it’s okay! He made an adorable calendar for me for Christmas, and he pointed out that October 10^th he wrote “Zach’s Dying Day” and October 16^th he wrote “Zach’s Funeral Day.” I cried and realized how much Garrett is really missing him.

Dominic has been talking a TON about Zach. So much that it sets me off guard and I usually end up in tears. I was putting away a pair of Dom’s pants and told him they were to small, and he quickly told me to give them to Zachary. He also told me to just talk to Zach, like he does and then I won’t be sad.

Yet again, we are dealing the best we can. I was told that we are in the “infancy” stage of grief. I would have to say that must be correct! I have noticed that my recovery time from a meltdown is much faster than it was before. Adam is a great strength for me and helps me get through every day and reassures me that we will be okay and that Zach is in a better place.

We are moving forward and doing okay. I’m sure once the Holiday’s have passed the next update with be BRIGHTER!

Remember to keep your life in perspective! I hope that everyone has a wonderful new year and a great time with your families.