Why is this not easier? How come I
don’t feel I can breathe easier? Why am I not coping better? These are all
questions that I feel right now.
We made it through the holidays and I knew the hardest part for me was
coming. Zachary’s 5th
birthday passed without him hear to celebrate it! At the same time we
celebrated Dominic’s 5th birthday with the best smiles we could
have. Looking at Dom blowing out
those five candles, just about sent me over the edge. As I watched him….. I kept blinking thinking that Zach
should be sitting right next to him, and (I think) I kept hoping he would be
there. Of course, Dominic received
gifts that had “Toy Story” or “Cars” on them, and that was even harder.
I have to say that I have felt TONS
of emotions since the New Year. My
heart aches daily for my beautiful redhead. I wake up every morning hoping its 2010, and he would still
be here. Then reality hits and I
realize that he isn’t here, but that I have a loving husband lying next to me,
and two beautiful boys upstairs.
That is the motivation to keep pushing forward though all this
“yuck.” Trying to be strong for
everyone else has been hard, and I think I’m finally allowing myself to
mourn. I have allowed myself to
cry, when I need to and not hold it all in. I think my favorite phrase that I’ve heard is, “your in the
infancy stage of grief, give yourself time and patience to move forward.”
We are all realizing what is normal
without Zachary being around. Some
days are better than others, and some months are better. I “check out” from March through May J Mothers day is coming
up and that is very hard, but I know that Garrett and Dominic want to celebrate
the day with me. Adam is as
always, a strong man with tons of support. Lately, he has been sharing more about missing Zach, and
that allows both of us to share more memories. We went to the Giants game and both were talking about Zach
and how much we miss him, but we know he isn’t in pain anymore. As soon as we finished the
conversation, “LIFE IS A HIGHWAY” came across the speakers and the next batter
up his name was “Angel.” That was
a tender mercy or “sign” that helped me breathe at that moment. Adam and I are trying to do more
“dates” together. I usually can hold it together out in public…better than at
home.
Dominic and Garrett are both (again)
going through the grieving process differently. Dominic is constantly talking about Zachary, but in the
sense of questions, which can be exhausting! The best question lately was, “can Zach pee in heaven?” This was one of the ones that made me
laugh. He wants to know everything
about him and what he did or didn’t do!
It makes my grief even harder as I have to give him all these answers,
but sometimes it makes me laugh.
He really wants to know what he did for his birthday in heaven. A few weeks ago he sat down and wanted
to sit and watch Toy Story, which he never liked watching. He insisted on sitting in the family
room (where Zachie sat) and watching all the movies with Zach’s blanket. I couldn’t hang out in the room
anymore, so I went into the office.
He told me I had to come back in the room, and hold him. I walked in and he wanted me to hold
him at the exact spot Zach loved in Toy Story 2---they do have a strong
bond. I then asked Dom why he
wanted to watch Toy Story, and he told be, “because Zachie told me to!” That
was a bittersweet moment.
Garrett is dealing and doing as
well as I think any eight year old can be doing. He celebrated his eighth birthday and told me he was sad
that Zach wasn’t here with him! I
did tell him that I’m sure he was there with him. Garrett told me that maybe a birthday party in heaven is the
best party ever---because it never ends!
I have to say I am very impressed with Garrett and his coping abilities. He has gone through so much and is such
a fragile guy, but strong as can be!
There are always people to thank
and be grateful for in our lives. I have to say that I have such a strong group
of loving people that surround me (and my family) which makes this situation a
little bit easier to deal with. My
friends at work are so accepting when I need to walk out of a conversation,
have space, talk about Zach, or simply cry and that is so helpful. We have other family friends that help
with Dom and Garrett when they need a break from everything. I know that sometimes just being out of
the house can help them cope.
There are so many people who keep us going, healing, and helping us
through all this and I can’t thank them enough.
Please
remember to mark your calendars for the George Mark Annual Gala. Visit their
website for more information. We
will be there, as they gave me the best gift ever---I was able to hold my child
as he passed, and I wasn’t his nurse, but his mom. That was the best gift anyone could ever give me.
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