Random Update

Well----

The school year is upon us and I can’t believe how fast the summer has flown by.  I don’t really know what to say, or what my update should be about.  When I use to sit down and write the updates it was when Zachary was in the hospital to give out information about Zach; making sure that everyone had the same facts and information.  Then it came about writing about his passing, and now it has been about our “journey” after his death.  Which to be honest hasn’t changed much, and I really don’t know if it ever will.  I/We still miss him, but we have to get up everyday without him here.  Those emotions never change. 

Is it easier yet? NO

Can you cope better? NO

Do you feel better? NO

Are you at peace? NO

Is the pain not as intense? NO. 

I know that sounds negative, but really none of those things have changed, and I don’t know if they will.  However, other things have a positive answer…

Do you smile more than cry? YES

Can you remember the happy moments more? Yes

Can you talk about him and not cry? Yes

Do you know he is in a better place? Yes

Do I feel like his memory is still alive? OH YES!!!

I have come to realize that I need to give myself and my family time to really grieve.  It has almost been two years, but that is NOTHING in the grand scheme of life.  Adam and I will both talk about him and about what we miss, and what we hoped he’d be doing.  It’s the life moments for Dom that make this even harder.  As I registered Dominic for Kindergarten—it was a “in your face” because I should be registering two.  However, it only took a moment took look at Dominic’s big grin, to remind me that these moments are for Dom, and not to miss Zach.

And let’s talk about Disney for a moment…..CARS LAND…REALLY!!!!  Some friends say that is Zach’s way of saying he is here, and other’s have said it is his heaven for me to enjoy, yet I’m not ready for it. However, I was able to walk into Cars Land and see it for a moment and feel his presence.  Garrett insisted that he needed to go to cars land because Zach would be with him.  He told me that Zach would of loved it, so it was a great reminder for him.  Dominic, wasn’t so thrilled with the whole idea….but he did enjoy the rides.  While we were at Disney—after having a rough day with the Cars Land I found a painting.  Adam and I have wanted to purchase a painting of Woody and Buzz in memory of Zachary to have in our home.  Every time I go to Disneyland I look, but never have found anything.  This time, I did!  I was sad and missing Zach and took a break (while the boys were in Cars Land with friends) and found a painting of Woody and Buzz—the last one.  It is beautiful and hangs right in our entry way.  The painting is number 20 of 95 (Lightning McQueen’s number).  Although the woman at the store said it was 10/95, which made my decision to buy it instantly---it still worked out perfect.  So, as mad as I was at Disney for Cars Land on this trip I can’t be more thankful for the painting. 

As the school year gears up and fall comes---I know October will be a challenge, but we will make it through.  Adam is a rock and source of great strength and support.  Garrett will always talk about Zach, but is starting to make new memories that don’t include him, which is good and healthy.  Dominic, always asks about Zachary…and I know holds him in his heart.  For me, he is always with me and there are good days and bad days, but it is getting easier to breathe.  I look forward to school starting and doing what I love to do!  I hope that everyone has a wonderful beginning to your school year.

Cars Land

Dom's usual picture face

We will do something for Zachary on 10-10-12, but I don’t know what yet.  And, as always….thank you for your continued support, thoughts, and random acts of kindness.