ALMOST.... TWO YEARS LATER

Grab a cup of coffee, tea, hot coco, glass of wine, or a snack.  This update is a long one!!

This is Garrett's favorite picture of Zach!

I can’t believe that it has almost been two years since Zachary has passed.  It doesn’t feel like that long, but then again some days it feels like forever.  I know that everyone’s lives continue to move forward and move on, but mine moves forward---but never on.  I don’t want to be the “mom who lost her son,” yet sadly that is part of my identity and who I have become.  I don't want to be a martyr, and I'm not---because this is my reality.  I don't want to be the "pity party" person, and I won't be that person because I am learning to excuse myself from those situations....and to be honest I don't care what people think when I leave the room!!!  There are parts of the year where I am on an upswing and there are parts where the days are hard to push through.  Late September and Early October are always those difficult times for me.  It was two years ago when doctors told us that he couldn’t keep going on the tubes, and his organs were shutting down.  It was two short years ago that I entered into a state of shock and survival and some of those feelings still remain.  It was two years ago that I was able to hold my baby for the last time---which is just not fair.  It has been two years of pushing on, forward, and coping without my Zach.  Sometimes the sadness outweighs the happiness, and sometimes the happiness outweighs the sadness. There are constant reminders that comfort me and remind me that he is still with us.  I often feel his presence or have a sense that he is with me. 

At times I just break down and cry, and I’ve come to realize that I can and I should. A friend once said, “I wonder if you’ll make it through this,” and that is an easy answer----of course I will, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t cry or have a few rough days.  There are some days that I think of all the happy memories about Zach, and those days bring me joy and laughter.  There are other days where I look at applesauce, fruit loops, yogurt and damn donut holes and cry. 

This is something I deal with everyday and its nice to know that others are always thinking of him too!  Many times people don’t know what to say, or how to approach our family.  It’s okay to just say, I’m thinking of you…or simply say I know this time of the year is rough.  It seems that people avoid discussing Zach or our grieving with us, and many times that is what helps our family go through our difficult days.  Dominic is continually sharing and talking about Zach.  He often times tells me that Zachary visits him in his dreams, and tells him stories.  Garrett still takes great pride in helping me decorate Zachary’s “spot” at the cemetery.  He even gets angered when things are left there, that Zachary wouldn’t have liked.  Someone had left a nice train, but Garrett was puzzled at why someone would leave a train when Zachary didn’t like trains---cars and WoodyBuzz.  He also has pictures of Zachary in his room, and sleeps every night with a small quilt made of his clothing (thanks LaurenJ ) that he loves to hold.  It is those items, memories and photos that we cherish and look at frequently. 

Keeping busy helps and I can’t be more thankful for my job than I am right now.  Having a place to go and children to teach is a wonderful way to keep me going and always laughing.   We all grieve differently and in different ways and even in our own time.  I feel that there are days where I grieve for a moment with a single tear, or it might be once in awhile with a heart-wrenching sob, but I grieve.  Adam and I will always be grieving parents, and we are finding our own ways to heal.

I ran across a great quote, and I think it’s appropriate. 

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Lastly, in honor of Zachary’s Memory Day (10-10-10) we will have vases set up at the cemetery and at his memorial tree in San  Ramon on Sunday, October 7^th which will stay up for a week.  Feel free to drop by and place his favorite (happy flowers) sunflowers, or trinket.  This is a day that we are trying to make a memory day, to remember his happiness.  Surround yourself with joy not sorrow.   This is the day where Zachary got his wish and was able to be free from all tubes. He is enjoying his life in heaven, healthy, happy and of course being our special angel.

WoodyBuzz! Lightning McQueen!!