THREE YEARS ON THURSDAY

I can’t believe it’s October again.  The pumpkins come out and my heart sinks.  I truly can’t believe its another year, another year without my little guy.  I don’t write on the blog to often, instead I’ve started a journal that I write to Zachary in about once a month.  Great idea given to me from the George Mark Children’s House. The blog is great, but things really haven’t changed.  Adam and I are both still grieving and always will be.  Some days are better than others, I’ll never move on, but I will continue to move forward---it might be a slow pace, but its in the right direction. Writing my letters to Zach are more healing than anything.  I decided to share a few of my entries, so you can understand where I’m at in this lifetime process.

Zach,

·     * It’s Christmas tomorrow and I just finished wrapping all your brothers presents and I hurt that I can’t wrap you anything. Well, I buy you an ornament each year, and it hangs on the tree.  I tried wrapping you gifts, but it was too hard to watch them sit there unopened.  I wonder what I would have bought you, would you have wanted the WWE figures your brothers both wanted.  Or, would you still want cars and woodybuzz toys.  I have a feeling you would pick just what your brothers pick, because you loved them so much. I miss you more than you know, and I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow morning.  I know you’ll be with me. Merry Christmas my guy!

·      *Today was a busy day.  Both your brothers had baseball games, and man it was an all day event.  Garrett loves pitching and playing first base, and Dominic likes playing everything.  Dom doesn’t like the get out though; he is a little stubborn with that.  I thought of you as I sat for a moment and watched a balloon float above Dominic’s game. I’m sure your playing all sorts of sports up in heaven and loving every minute of fun.  I drive the “big car” still, and many times it feels empty.  Even today with all your brothers’ baseball gear, it still feels a little to big!  Lots of love, Mommy.

·    *  WOW! We have to move.  I can’t believe that we have to move from our home, your home with us. When you first died I wanted to move so badly because those walls caused me so much pain, and the familiar places (I still never liked going into the upstairs bathroom) were too hard for me.  Then as time passed those places and spots were a gentle and soft reminder of you! Now that we have to go, I feel like I’m loosing another piece of you all over again. We’re moving, but not moving without you.  Your box and special pictures are still going with us.  Maybe its time that I pick out some special pieces to be put away, but who knows.  I’m sure you’ll be watching the chaos of moving, and laughing above!  There’s lots of junk to pack and pitch and then move.  I know I’ll find little reminders of you as I pack, so keep an eye on me.  Hug You!

·   *   Happy Birthday Baby! Today is the second hardest “day” each year since you’ve passed.  I celebrate with Dominic and you’re on my mind! Dominic talks about you more and more every single day. Today he said he misses you and hopes you are having a great party in heaven.  It’s a hard day for daddy, and me too.  We miss you so much and want to see you grow up, but that can’t happen.  Each birthday we remember that it is another year we won’t see you grow up.  I hope you are enjoying your wonderful day and finally able to eat cake and have hundreds of balloons with you.

Well that about sums up our year.  I can never end a blog entry without saying thank you to those of you who have donated to the George Mark Children’s house, as we are told each donation that is made in his name----and there are many!!! Also, to those who continue to randomly donate through this site, we thank you as well.  This might sound cliché, but hold onto every moment with those your love.  Take the risks and have no regrets.  Take that extra day off from work to spend with your child. Take that extra vacation, just to make those extra special memories.  Hold onto your child just a little bit longer each day, because each second counts.  I am so blessed to have my other two boys, to shower them with extra hugs and kisses. 

As usual feel free to stop by his tree or his gravesite to drop of “happy flowers.” Please don’t leave anything else, as Garrett is still very attached to picking everything out for his spot and Dom now wants to decorate his tree!

Remember You

We will remember the love you gave so unconditionally

We will remember the joy you brought to so many lives

We will remember the smile you showed so frequently

We will remember you



We will remember the sun shining on your face while playing outside

We will remember the smell of applesauce, yogurt, and donut holes

We will remember the sound of your laugh

We will remember you



We will remember the love you shared with your brothers

We will remember the laughter we shared together watching

WoddyBuzz and Cars

We will remember the courage you had

We will remember you



We will remember the brightness of your red hair

We will remember the battles with your diapers

We will remember the way you teased your brothers (binkies and all)

We will remember you



We will remember your laughter when you played in the water

We will remember your love for life

We will remember your contagious smile

We will remember your passion for school

We will remember your fear when you saw the hospital

We will remember the embraces we shared

We will remember the tears, too

We will remember you



We will remember your courageous struggle to live

We will remember holding you until the end, and in our hearts forever

We will remember the peacefulness of your passing

We will remember that you are in a better place

We will remember that your are having fun

We will remember that you are out of pain

We will remember that we will see you again

We will remember you