How can it be FOUR years...

It seems that I post just once a year, but I write all the time....I just don't post. I decided that for this year I will write a new post.....the good the bad and the ugly. It's a LONG post, but I hope you read it to get some insight into what I've gone through (another year) and maybe how other grieving moms feel.  I went up today and decorate Zach's spot (with what Garrett wanted) and decorated Zach's tree!

I really don't know where to begin.  I really don't!  I thought that as time went on the 10th of October would approach and I would feel okay, or the pit in my stomach wouldn't be as strong. However, as October 1st came, so did all the feelings.  Everything came back, and it isn't pleasant.  It feels like I have been sent back four years to the same time, and going through it all in my head. .... The doctors telling us, his organs were shutting down, that he was barely 20lbs at three and a half.  The realization that he wasn't going to make it this time.  The frustration that we couldn't fix him, and god knows we tried.  The anger that comes with the frustration and realization.  The sadness and unsettling feeling as we planned his funeral. The scary part of figuring out how to tell his brother's that he won't be here anymore.  It all comes back this time of year, and especially around the tenth.
   
I can honestly say that at least this time of year it is worse than the day to day pain....like it was in the beginning.  We all grieve and we all try to move forward, but let's be honest it is really, really hard when it's someone you love. For me, it is my son, my baby, and my smiling red head.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, and will continue to do until I die.  And right now, I'm at the "anger/pissed off" stage in grief.  I always find myself back to this place around the 10th of October.  I allow my self to go here once, maybe twice a year, but no more than that because it just isn't a good place to stay.  I feel that I can be honest and say I'm just plain angry! I have a million reasons why, but here are the main ones that keep coming into my mind......why him, why us, what did we do to deserve loosing him, why doesn't it hurt just a little less, how come so many people have


twins, why are Dominic's milestones so hard, why couldn't medical science have figured it out, why do my other boys have to suffer, how come I can't make Garrett's and Dominic's pain go away, why couldn't he of made it a little bit longer, how come my heart hurts so bad, how come there are days that I just burst into tears, how come we are still paying for medical bills (which didn't work), how come my baby is gone????

As I write my constant list of questions that run through my head I realize that I have many of the answers, but no answer will ever "fix" my heart.  There are no answers or no way to process this, or to grieve properly.  I have had many people ask if I'm feeling better.  I know they meant to be nice, but really? Really? Better.....no I didn't have the flu, and I didn't break a leg-my son died, and NO I don't feel better and I never will.  This isn't something that you "get over" or "feel better" or the one that drive me nuts "the pain will lessen over time," it is just something that we deal with.  We deal with this all the time.  We just get up in the morning and try to find the joy in each day.  There are more days filled with joy and happiness than in the beginning.  I guess you learn how to function with the hole in your heart.  I guess you learn how to enjoy things without someone you love.  I guess you realize that life does keep going and being angry and sad all the time isn't the way to do it.

Looking back over the past four years I know that there are so many emotions I've felt and will continue to feel.  Overall, I'm doing better-yes, but I still have the hole in my heart, that no one can see, but it's there and I can feel it.  People can live very happy healthy and enjoyable lives with holes in their heart, it just hurts sometimes.

I don't mean to sound as an all knowing mom, but I've gone through hell and back (and this is my blog) and I can share my advice. As the years pass, and the days go on and people get older, please don't forget those that are left behind to do the grieving. Yes, remember those who have past, but remember the people left behind.  Send a card, make a phone call, let them know you still think about the person they lost.  My deepest fear is that people will stop talking about Zach, and it will be like no one knew him. Please talk about him!  I know it can be uncomfortable, but talk to the people who are and will continue to grieve.

Adam and I are doing great, when you've gone through all we have, you just love each other more every day.  Garrett is doing fantastic, he misses Zach, but his anxiety seems to be under control. He talks about him throughout the year, but really this time of year.  He likes our traditions and the way we remember him. Dominic is having a hard time, and we are working on ways for him to cope.  He was so little when it happened and he's processing it all now.  He really wants to know why his twin died, and if he hurt him in my stomach, and why he is gone.  He asks for us to tell him stories all the time about him, and we do.  I don't know if we should talk about him all the time, or not, but we wait for the boys direction on that.

I couldn't write this blog without thanking the families that donate every year to George Mark Children's House, they keep receiving donations in memory of Zachary.  And, to those who continue to donate to our family, we have made huge progress on his bills.  And to the person who donates $10.10 in October and April, thank you!!!

Remember to hold your children tight, kiss them daily and cherish every moment. Create as many memories as you can.