11 Years and always in our hearts!

 Every year, every single year I sit down to write my update, I seem to struggle for the right words. Then I realize there are no “right” words because this is not normal to write a memory or tribute to your child that has passed. The grieving process is awful, complicated, bumpy, and challenging. Even after eleven years…wow, that’s hard to say…it doesn’t get easier on October 10! I usually sit and wonder why I do this, but as I write and do my yearly update, I feel better. I know in some way, I’ve given him a special moment from me. 

I watch Dom and Garrett grow up and am constantly reminded someone is missing. When the life events happened this year, it made those moments so much harder. Dom walked across the stage for his 8th-grade promotion, and it made me think, Zach should be doing this too! Then when he started high school, I thought the same thing. There are so many of these moments; those are the hard ones. They are the predictable ones. 

The times that are the hardest now are the times when I’m overcome with grief, and it feels like it came out of nowhere. I hear Life is a highway and usually lose it. There are moments when it’s quiet, and my mind wanders to him, and I lose it. I find myself crying in the shower for no reason. There are just moments where the sadness wins; it’s that simple, the sadness wins. These moments are far less than before, but when they come, they are fierce.

A few weeks ago, Dom asked about Zachary. He asked the exact same questions Garrett asked me at this age. “Why did Zach die? I mean, what was wrong? How was he sick?” I took a deep breath and made sure he wanted to hear it all, and he did! We sat for what felt like an eternity and went through everything Zach had, and Dom sat there constantly asking questions. He nodded and just kept looking at me for more answers. When I finished listing the laundry list of things Zach had working against him, he just looked at me and said, “It’s really amazing he made it to three and a half.” Then he wanted to see pictures of Zach and him and Garrett. We spent a while looking at photos and talking. This moment was so hard for me, but at the same time, it was wonderful. I was able to keep Zach’s memory alive.

Adam and I talk about him on occasion, and we continue to remember him together. He is my strength when I need him, and when I need the voice of reason, he is just that—always reminding me that we did more than enough and he’s out of pain. I know that losing a child can stress and sometimes ruin marriages, but in our case, we are stronger for going through this together. Losing Zachary really puts everything else in perspective; as a couple, we can get through anything.

Garrett still goes to the cemetery every time I go. He picks out what goes on his “spot.” He always gives me a moment alone and then lets me cry. On our last trip, he said, “who will go with you when I’m at college!” He has such a huge heart, and he finds a way to pay tribute to Zach anytime he can. If there is ever an opportunity to chose number 10, Garrett does! 

Dom still struggles with the cemetery, and that is fine with me! He remembers Zachary in his own way. The only part that always breaks my heart is he will ask me at least once a year; I didn’t do anything that hurt him when we were growing, right? It just breaks my heart. Even though they were 3, the twin bond is so strong.

Pause for a moment today, look to the sky! Send Zach some love, kisses, and maybe even buy a sunflower. Call someone you haven’t talked to in a while, remind them you love them; life is so precious.

My one ask is you reach out to a grieving parent, send them a coffee or treat, listen to their story, hug them, ask what they need, or just reach out and say hello! Regardless of the time that’s past, the hole is always there. 

Zachary….we love you! We miss you more than you’d ever know. I know you’re here, and give us little signs. I hope you are watching Cars and Toy Story and making everyone smile in heaven. Until we meet again….WoodyBuzz, Ka-chow, slocks, and love you!