As I sit down to write my yearly blog, I am not really sure how I feel. I thought about how I felt for a good five minutes and could capture my feeling(s) in one or two words. Every year, as I sit down, I have all sorts of emotions, and this year is no different; it is just harder to capture my words. I explained to a good friend that this is a feeling that never disappears. I've learned to cope and deal with the loss daily...but there is just something about October that makes it really hard.
I look back on this year's big events; one hurts more than the others. Dominic turned sixteen this year, a huge milestone when most kids get their licenses and celebrate their independence. That was exactly what happened to Dom. He celebrated and got his license and was beyond happy. I started crying as I stood there and watched him drive off solo for the first time. Those are the "big moments" that make it real. Those are the moments that I think there should be two of you driving and sharing in these big life moments. I give myself permission to cry and grieve at that moment. I stood on the steps and cried as he drove off, and he didn't know how I was feeling because it wasn't fair to put that on him. While I was standing there crying, Adam came up and put his arm around me. I didn't have to say anything because he knew exactly what I was thinking...and truthfully, I'm sure he was feeling it, too.
Last year, not having Garrett with us on the 10th was quite a huge adjustment. However, we both felt we were constantly getting signs, and he was with us. I heard Life is a Highway, and Garrett's bus was number 10 that day. When his memory day comes up, I think about what to do and how to keep myself distracted, and it is getting harder and harder. Disney is always a great choice, but sometimes that just doesn't work. I always fill that day with sunflowers and wear red. Most importantly, as a family, we all connect at 2:53 p.m. The moment the angles flew over us and took Zach to heaven.
This year has been a bit different because I changed jobs. I started in a new district where people don't know my story. When people ask, "How many children do you have?" it still takes my breath away. I want to share and let them know my story because it is a huge part of who I am, but sometimes that just hurts. I also don't want to be the "depressive" new co-worker!!! I've learned to share in my own way and time and let people in; that is still such a huge part of this coping process.
I'm just sad; there is no other way to decide how I feel, and I think I've settled on sad. I'm just absolutely sad, and I guess I always hope that I won't be "as sad" the following year or during this time or that time, but the reality is...I'm just so sad. This year is so hard, and I don't know why. I just want to cry, look at pictures, and feel sad. I've never given myself permission to be sad, and that may be what I need this year. I can honestly say that even though it has been thirteen years, the pain never ends. The sadness isn't the first thing I think of when I think of my guy, but it is a lot harder this time of year.
As I write this every year, I let my thoughts ramble on and see where my writing takes me. I always end up at the same place, remembering the joy and happiness that he brought us. The laughter and memories that last a lifetime. WoodyBuzz, Cars (Lightning McQueen), Button, Puzzles, Donut Holes, Blues Clues, Slocks, Disneyland, Waterfun, Climbing everywhere, his smile, his laugh, his hugs, and the way he loved us so deeply. Instead of saying, "Hold Me," he always said, "Hold You," which makes me think he was telling me that he will always "Hold You" even when he physically can't.
On October 10, 2010, my life was forever changed. Every single life that he touched was forever changed. On his memory day, I challenge everyone to wear red, grab a sunflower, and make a memory with someone you love. Every memory you make is one that you will hold onto with all you have if someone ever leaves you.
As always, we are collecting toys for George Marks Children's House feel free to Venmo me (@Meredith-Bullock-10), and we will buy and drop off Toy Story and Cars gifts. Paying it forward to families in our situation is so important, especially as the holiday season begins.
I've included Zachary's Memorial Video for anyone if you want to walk down memory lane. I sob every time I watch it, but I smile too!
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